It's been a few days

Ok so you can smack me it's been a few days since I posted. Almost a week actually. Yikes. But a lot has went on in that week. Hoy was laid off for a whopping 5 hours then got his job back. I finally got to go to the chiropractor. And OMG do I feel better after just one visit. He said I was pretty kinked up so I need to keep going for a while but thats no big deal if it gets rid of my pain. And my mood has improved since I'm not hurting so bad anymore. It's amazing what pain can do to you.

While I still hurt my mood is probably 80% better. I still get snappy when I get aggravated but I don't jump straight to yelling and rage. I have my first appointment with the psychologist tomorrow morning. So I'm looking forward to seeing what she can do to help me. Then I go back to the chiropractor on Friday morning. Not sure what I'm going to do about a baby sitter for that morning but I'll figure something out. I always do.

Hoy's hours have been cut so I'll be getting a part time job hopefully so that I can help suppliment our income until he goes back to his normal schedual. I'm hoping to find something really flexible so that I can still spend time with him and we can get the projects done around the house that we have been wanting to get done.

Thats really all I can think of right now. I'll update after my appointment tomorrow and let everyone know how crazy I am. Lol

The simple things.

Sometimes it really is the simple things that make you feel good about yourself. Last night Hoy watched Angelica and let me go out with some friends. It was awesome. It was the break that I was needing. Me time.

Now he also gave me some money and told me to buy something for myself. What? For me? Umm I don't just buy things for myself. I get clothes. But thats it. I don't really get things that aren't a necessity. The most "luxury" that I allow myself is I spend $5 every now and then and do an at home manicure. But thats not often. So I had my money and was looking at all the awesome things that I would love to have. Walking around looking at hair stuff and makeup. Then I smelled something that I absolutely loved. So my friend Dee and I start picking up bottles of perfume and smelling them. They all smelled good. But none of them were exactly what I was smelling. Then the VERY last bottle. Picked it up and smelled. O...M...G thats it. Look at the bottle. Sex in the City. The name of this one. Sexy. How frickin perfect is that? It makes me feel sexy. Something that doesn't happen. EVER. I'm a mom Mom's aren't supposed to be sexy. Or are they? I guess that in the sea of being a Mom and the depression and anxiety I forgot that I AM sexy. Maybe not in the sence that most people view sexy but you know what the only thing that really matters is that my husband finds me sexy. Everyone else can bite me.


I have a feeling today is going to be a good day.

Dreams.

No I'm not talking about the dreams you have when your asleep. I don't sleep remember?

I'm talking about ambitions. About hopes. About the things that you wanted so much when you were little. Or even now? Having a family your dream job. Where you wanted to live. Your dream wedding. All those things. Now with me it's a funny subject. When I was in high school I wanted a big family. Well I now have 4 kids. But only one is my own. It's not the same. No matter how you look at it its not the same. And now I have a husband that doesn't want to have more kids. That's a dream of mine that I will never see.

When I got married We had a small wedding, everything was only $300. My wedding dress was only $40, it was special because it was handmade. But now looking back I wish we had a nicer wedding. Thats another dream that I'll never get to see.

Now I never had a clear picture of where I wanted to live. I really didn't care. Ran down shack or 3 story mansion. As long as I had someone that made me happy thats all I needed. Now I'm happy with our house. We don't live in the city but we aren't so far out in the boonies that it drives me crazy. And yes we have some ass hole neighbors but most people do. I really don't have any complaints on that one.

Which leaves me with my dream job. In high school I was supposed to take an online Russian language class. Well last minute they had to cancel it because they didn't have enough people in the class. So we had to pick another. My next chioce was photography. And thats the point where I fell in love. Since then I knew that I wanted to be a photographer. But I was too critical of my work. I didn't think that I was "good" enough to actually make it. Then I realized not too long ago that even the best photographer has to start somewhere. They didn't just pick up a camera and take these amazing pictures. They had to work at it it's a trial and error process. And even the best has room to grow. That made me realize that if I wanted it badly enough that I could make it. I could actually have my dream job. Now I know that just picking up a camera doesn't make me a photogapher. But if I ever want to BE a photographer then I have to start somewhere. And if I have to get people that I know and take pictures of them for free then thats what I will do until I am good enough to actually make it. I have to build my portfolio if I want to do anything. I want to find a class to take too. But thats a different story. All I know is that I want this. I want this and I am willing to give it my all until I have no more to give. But I will need support from my family and friends, I can't make it at all without encouragement and support. And I hope that at least the 7 people that are following this blog and the however many that are reading will give me that support.

Love

Ok so today I really don't have much to say. I'm in a fairly good mood so no insane ramblings folks. Sorry. But i am going to post a quote that I found that can really make you think. In fact I'm still trying to figure it out myself.  
Love falls softly, it cannot be forced.

How can we tell when we are forcing love? And what happens if we stop trying to force it and it's not there? What happens if Love doesn't fall softly? Does your world come crashing down around you? Or do you accept it and just move on? How do you know when enough is enough? So many questions that come from one tiny statement. 7 words that make me look at my marriage differently. Are we forcing love? I don't know. What happens if we are? I don't know the answer to that either. But I guess that we need to just sit back and follow the path that the Goddess has planned for us. For better or worse. Richer or poorer. In sickness and in health, til death do us part. <3

Nightmares.

You know what I miss? I miss normal sleep. The sleep you get that is restful and uninterrupted. Hell I just miss SLEEP. Insomnia has plauged me for months. Nothing works for very long. It may get me a night or two of good sleep then it's back to my old routine. And the little bit of sleep I do get is terrorized by nightmares. The kinds of nightmares that you don't exactly remember but you know it was bad, you wake up sweating and you heart is racing and the adrenalin is pumping through your veins like a bad dose of speed. The kind that leaves you unable to fall back asleep because you are terrified of having another one.

I really just want this to be overwith. I want my appointment to come and I want the Dr to do SOMETHING to help me. I want to feel normal again. I want to smile. A real honest smile. Not one that I fake because I don't want to bring people down. It's been like that for way too long now. I'm just feeling lost. I don't know where to go. I'm afraid that if I got the wrong way that I'll lose me. The real me. The one thats been locked away because she was afraid what so called "family" would think of her. At this point I don't care. I want her back. The REAL truly honest 100% ME. Elizabeth Ann. That who I want to be. I'm tired of having nightmares andI'm tired of living a nightmare. I want my dreams back.

A little boy just diagnosed with Langerhans Cell Histiocytosis

This is copied from a friends blog. I wanted to get it out there for more people to see, my measly 2 followers may not make much difference but if just one of you share this then it may make a difference. This little boy is only a few Months older than Angelica.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Here is Ethan's story written by his Momma, Melissa.

Ethan was born January 6, 2009. A few weeks before Ethan was to turn 3 years old, our world was turned upside down. After multiple visits to the pediatrician for a puffy eye, we were sent to St. Joseph's Children's Hospital for an MRI that revealed a tumor above Ethan's left eye. Following this discovery, we consulted with the cranial-facial plastic surgeon who would eventually remove the tumor. He ordered a CT Scan for Ethan so that he could get a better idea of how involved the tumor was with Ethan’s skull, eye, and brain. Due to the location of the tumor, it was determined that we would need a neurosurgeon in addition to the plastic surgeon; we also realized that due to the proximity to the brain and eye, we could not biopsy the tumor prior to surgery, which lead to wide speculation of a diagnosis.

From the realization that surgery was a necessity, the plastic surgeon wanted to schedule the operation ASAP in order to protect Ethan’s eye. Unfortunately, due to hospital politics, he was unable to schedule the surgery with a neurosurgeon that he was comfortable working with, so we were referred to the University of Miami. On December 6, we arrived in Miami. We stayed in Miami for 5 days and consulted with multiple doctors and ran more tests. Following more speculation, surgery was scheduled in Miami for December 30, 2011; it could not be scheduled sooner because the neurosurgeon was going on vacation for Christmas. In the mean time, our doctor in Tampa was still working around the clock and calling in favors in order to schedule the surgery in Tampa sooner than December 30 as he did not want to risk allowing the tumor to jeopardize Ethan’s eye. We were sent home to wait until the end of the month and told to “enjoy the holidays.” It seemed that the roller-coaster was never going to end.

On December 16, we got a call that our doctor in Tampa, after exhausting all of his favors, was able to schedule Ethan’s surgery in Tampa for December 22, 2011.

The surgery was a success and the tumor was completely removed. Ethan was diagnosed with Langerhans Cell Histiocytosis (LCH), a rare cancer-like disease that affects 1:200,000 children. While the diagnosis could be worse, this is still a serious disease with no government funding available for researching a cure.

We went to meet with Ethan's oncologist on January 5th and were informed that we would need to be admitted into Tampa General Hospital for a 4-10 day stay so that they could install Ethan's port and test to see if the disease was present anywhere else in his body. During our stay at TGH Ethan had an MRI, CT of his head, chest and abdomen, bone marrow extraction, X-rays of ALL of his bones, a spinal tap, his port was installed and he was tested for diabetes insipidus. This particular type of diabetes is common in children that have LCH. At this time we have gotten all but the spinal fluid test back and they all have been negative. This is WONDERFUL news!! Ethan starts chemo today 1/12/12 and we should get to go home tomorrow!! Ethan has been a trooper through all of this. Definitely stronger than I would be.

The next six months will be difficult as we begin the journey of beating this disease.

On September 27, 2011, our family was blessed with the addition of Liam, Ethan’s younger brother. My husband and I have used all of our available sick time through June 2012 with the leave that we took following Liam’s arrival, making it difficult for us to be off of work. However, Ethan needs us around as much as possible, especially Mommy, over the next 6-8 weeks during his first round of chemo and during any future treatments. We are trying to raise money that will help with the costs of Ethan’s care so that we can keep our focus on keeping his spirits up and beating this disease. Asking for and accepting help has been one of the most difficult things that we have done, but we need any and all help that people can provide.

From Amy:

I know Ethan is not the only child fighting a deadly disease and I know the Haas family is not the only one in need right now.

But helping them could make the difference for a complete recovery and clean bill of health for Ethan.

Melissa has setup a GoFundMe page for Ethan.

Its an easy way to give this sweet little boy a cancer- free future .

If you can't donate, spreading the word would also be amazing way to bless this family with your generosity.

The page is a great way to stay updated on Ethan progress.

So please take a moment for Ethan.

**UPDATE: The Haas Family was told today that chemo will be a year long, not the 6 weeks they originally thought.**

My 6 day headache.

Every day now for 6 days I have woken up with a headache. Today I was expecting to be able to sleep in just a little bit. You know the person I was having sex with when Angelica was created is home. Surely he can feed her and keep her happy for an hour so I can sleep and get rid of this damn headache right? BAHAHAHAHAHAHA that was a good one. I REALLY had you believing there for a minute! He woke up with the best intentions. He really did. But Angelica is a Mommas girl and unless he has her constant attention she is in my room bugging me. She even brought her dolls in and put them in bed with me. Then I head Hoy calling her name trying to find her. Then he turns on cartoons for her but the TV is entirely too loud. So I gave up and got up for the day. This is SO not gonna be a good day. My head is still pounding and Angelica is in one of her moods and is screaming and crying for no reason. So that makes my head hurt worse. It's a lose lose situation in this house this morning.

I have so many thing that I need to do in this house. But I'm losing that energy that I've had for a week. It's just not there. The motivation is gone too. I am getting back to the point that I don't care anymore. It won't stay clean no one will help me keep it clean. So what is the point. I want to get a French Maid outfit and wear it around the house and completely ignore Hoy and everyone and just clean. Then maybe they would get how I feel. I am to the point where something that I LOVED to do is just a source of more stress: Cooking. Anyone that knows me knows that cooking and baking are some of my favorite things to do ever. But I'm to the point that I hate it. Someone is always going to complain or want something different and it gets on my nerves. I go to the trouble to fix it and I'm NOT a bad cook. So I really don't care if you don't like it you can eat it and shut the hell up!

Maybe I'm mean. But at this point I don't care. I've heard people bitch and complain for years and I'm tired of it. I'm tired of everything and everyone. When I think of some of the things that people in my own family have said about me behind my back my blood pressure goes up and I can feel my heartbeat in my face and I just want to hurt someone. I try not to let things like that get to me but i just can't help it. It gets me seething and I get vindictive.

At this point I feel like I'm in a really dark place. I wonder if I'll ever see the light again. I can't even enjoy Angelica. I love her and I am thankful for her. But she doesn't bring me the joy she used to. I miss that. I miss the way I used to be. I miss my old life. I'm so tired of this thing that has consumed me. Tired of it always lurking in the shadows. Tired of never knowing when I'm going to have a good day, Tired of never having a good day. At this point I'm just tired. I want to go to bed and I don't want to wake up. I'm ready to be normal.