Every day now for 6 days I have woken up with a headache. Today I was expecting to be able to sleep in just a little bit. You know the person I was having sex with when Angelica was created is home. Surely he can feed her and keep her happy for an hour so I can sleep and get rid of this damn headache right? BAHAHAHAHAHAHA that was a good one. I REALLY had you believing there for a minute! He woke up with the best intentions. He really did. But Angelica is a Mommas girl and unless he has her constant attention she is in my room bugging me. She even brought her dolls in and put them in bed with me. Then I head Hoy calling her name trying to find her. Then he turns on cartoons for her but the TV is entirely too loud. So I gave up and got up for the day. This is SO not gonna be a good day. My head is still pounding and Angelica is in one of her moods and is screaming and crying for no reason. So that makes my head hurt worse. It's a lose lose situation in this house this morning.
I have so many thing that I need to do in this house. But I'm losing that energy that I've had for a week. It's just not there. The motivation is gone too. I am getting back to the point that I don't care anymore. It won't stay clean no one will help me keep it clean. So what is the point. I want to get a French Maid outfit and wear it around the house and completely ignore Hoy and everyone and just clean. Then maybe they would get how I feel. I am to the point where something that I LOVED to do is just a source of more stress: Cooking. Anyone that knows me knows that cooking and baking are some of my favorite things to do ever. But I'm to the point that I hate it. Someone is always going to complain or want something different and it gets on my nerves. I go to the trouble to fix it and I'm NOT a bad cook. So I really don't care if you don't like it you can eat it and shut the hell up!
Maybe I'm mean. But at this point I don't care. I've heard people bitch and complain for years and I'm tired of it. I'm tired of everything and everyone. When I think of some of the things that people in my own family have said about me behind my back my blood pressure goes up and I can feel my heartbeat in my face and I just want to hurt someone. I try not to let things like that get to me but i just can't help it. It gets me seething and I get vindictive.
At this point I feel like I'm in a really dark place. I wonder if I'll ever see the light again. I can't even enjoy Angelica. I love her and I am thankful for her. But she doesn't bring me the joy she used to. I miss that. I miss the way I used to be. I miss my old life. I'm so tired of this thing that has consumed me. Tired of it always lurking in the shadows. Tired of never knowing when I'm going to have a good day, Tired of never having a good day. At this point I'm just tired. I want to go to bed and I don't want to wake up. I'm ready to be normal.
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